Helloooo Missouri!

So I have been back in Cape for a little over 3 weeks now. And it has been a weird transition. Everything was so structured in Utah. I slept in a lot when I got back. Something I never did at camp. It has been hard to find balance here at home. Camp was not easy at all, but there is something about being somewhere surrounded by people that all have the same purpose and goal.

Just in the last few days I have started to find a balance here. I never thought I would miss camp, but I think of it all the time. My main goal right now is continuing the positive changes in my life. I grew so much spiritually also, and I don't want that passion and hunger to slip away. I sense a real danger that if I get comfortable in my life again that I will lose perspective.

I am going to Africa in July on a short-term mission trip and I have been spending time trying to prepare. God is stretching me. I have the desire in my heart to be more involved in missions. All the things that I sometime look on as negatives in my life are actually ways that God can use me. Because I am available. I am thinking about a longer term mission trip to Africa. I feel that God wants me to be obedient and go on the trip and come home and wait for him to lead me. So that's what I am doing.

I have been convicted by God to sell my new truck. I don't really want to. It is my dream truck. I was gong through my finances last week and looking at how I spend my money. And I heard God asking me what I was investing in here on earth. Am I investing in people or things? So I repented and re-committed to being obedient with Gods money. But that wasn't enough. He told me to sell my new truck and downgrade. So that's what I am doing. I'm not sure that I sinned when I bought it. I just know that he wants me to sell it and I need to be obedient.

I want to be a man that loves people and not things. I want to help change this world for God. I want to influence people. My dreams are changing. No longer do I dream of a jacked up shiny truck with sweet rims. My dream is to be obedient to God and follow him wherever he leads me. I want to be known as a man after Gods heart. That is my dream now.

Cape is the only home that I have ever known. The first 13 years of my life were pure hell. I have no good memories from my childhood. When I moved here at 13 my grandparents became my parents, and they gave me the home I always wanted. Cape is my safe spot. I find myself as an adult hating any kind of change. I love the norm. I feel since being back that if I don't get out of this town soon that I will be stuck here forever. I used to want that. I was all about the "American Dream", family, house with picket fence and a truck and 2 dogs. I still want a wife and a family. I just realize now the only way to have joy and be fulfilled is to follow Gods every plan for my life.

I am praying that God calls me to Africa. He has put that desire on my heart more than I have ever felt anything before.

We all have a choice to make. We can choose comfort or Gods will. And if we choose comfort then it will become our god.


ken
p.s. as torn as I feel, it is good to be back and see you all!

Thanks...

So I had a great weekend. I have got to do so many exciting things while being here. And I have met some really cool people, from all over the world. I'm sitting here in my room packing to come home. I head out tomorrow morning. Should be a 2 day drive, unless I feel frisky and drive through the night!

I find myself kinda sad that I'm leaving. But still very excited to come home. I cant believe where I have come from. God used this place and the time here to re-shape who I am. Its been a great start. My own personal training ground.

I had a dream last night that I went on a mission trip to Africa and the Lord told me to stay there. I was kinda freaked out when I woke up because I am going on a mission trip to Africa in a couple months. Yikes! But maybe its just a dream. Or maybe God is preparing me for something. I don't know. But I do know whatever he has planned is way better than I could ever dream of! We as people dream so small. Yet we serve a God whose dreams would blow our minds!

I cant thank you all enough for the prayer and support. I may not have a close immediate family like I've always wanted. But the family that I do have is amazing. And the friends that I have been blessed with are unbelievable. Thank you guys so much, I love you dearly. I could not have gotten through this without God giving me constant love and strength. He pushed, prodded, kicked and carried me through this.

I am looking forward to coming home and attacking life. I think I may bug people because I am so happy now! God taught me so many things. Self discipline and confidence. He taught me that life is for living! And serving him.

I have learned that if you don't face and control your fears that they will control and cripple you. I am deathly afraid of spiders. They give me the real heebie jeebies. Last weekend we went to an exotic pet store. And I made myself hold a tarantula. I mean a huge one, it was hairy and disgusting. It was as big as my left hand. I held it and it climbed all over me. I wanted to murder it because I think they are evil. But I faced my fear. I also handled a 13 foot Burmese python. That was a little more intense. But I did it. I refuse to allow fear to control me. In any area of my life. I have always been afraid of heights, not so much anymore after doing a high ropes course and almost falling off a mountain! I got to share the gospel to a couple people here. I stepped out and was obedient. And because I wasn't ruled by fear those people heard that Christ loves them with no agenda. I cant tell you the freedom that is waiting just on the other side of fear.

I was asked to speak to the group tonight, everyone is pretty new and I am a veteran now! It should be good. I'm sure I will get emotional. Its been a crazy journey.

I came here truly broken. Still dealing with my grandma passing a couple years ago. I lost my dad just last year. And then right before new years ended an engagement. One night the first week here God and I had it out. I was so pissed I just let everything out. Why couldn't he let people live longer? Why couldn't he let my relationship work out? I actually accused him of not wanting me to be happy. As I was saying all this to him I knew I didn't believe it. I didn't realize how much anger and hurt from all different things I had stored up. After hours of screaming and crying I was spent. I couldn't hardly move I had exhausted myself so much. And that's when I heard him. So clearly I was scared at first. I was just venting, and now I thought he must be pissed! And as my memories returned to my horrible childhood, the loved ones that have passed and broken relationships that still hurt, I saw how he was there through all of it. I expected him to be mad at me for blaming him, all I got was this overwhelming sense of loss and sadness. And I realized that he was mourning with me, and hurting with me. We sat there for awhile and just cried. Then I started thinking about what I truly know about his character. What his word says about him. How I have seen him in my entire life fighting for me. And it broke my heart. Just that realization that he loves me so much and has given so much and I return that with disobedience and anger. It put me on the ground with shame.

That night was the start of a whole new chapter of mine and Gods relationship. And I can now say that I am more in love with God than I have ever been. I have a hunger to please him and learn about him and spend time with him. And for the first time in my life He is more important that tv or entertainment or myself or anything. And now I know that he has always been waiting on me to want more. I just had to let him deal with some really nasty ugly stuff.

In one of my earlier post I talked about how we went to the state capital here. And our tour guide was explaining about the renovations on the older buildings. He said that they were stripping them to their foundations, because sometimes they get so broken and messed up that they have to be torn down before they can be properly rebuilt. And as soon as he said that I felt God kinda nudge me. I felt like one of those buildings, like God was stripping everything away. Yesterday we went there again and I saw the progress that had been made on those buildings in just 7 weeks. They were torn down and dilapidated before and now they are strong and new. They are a testimony to their builders. Just like those buildings, I want my life to be a testimony to my builder. Everything I do, every relationship I have, everything that comes out of my mouth I want it to witness to the world about the glory of God. Everything about me that is good and selfless comes from him. Left to my own demise I am a weak, angry and selfish person.
But with God on the throne in my life I am something beautiful.

beautiful in Utah,
ken

ah the desert...

This has been a great week so far. I only have six days left here and I'm finding that I have mixed emotions about leaving. This has been the absolute hardest thing I've ever done. We have a lot of new people arriving, and today during lecture time I was asked to speak about my time here and how I am overcoming negative thoughts. Because when you step out, in any area of your life and try and be obedient and do the right thing, negative voices are going to bombard you with lies. But what I'm finding out is that just like training your body, you can also train your mind and your thoughts. Because I hear those negative voices less and less now. Or maybe it just seems that way because they don't have the same power over me like they once did. So I shared about how hard it was the first couple weeks or so just with changing everything in my life. How I ate different, slept different, moved different, was in a different location, doing many things I've never done before. Pushing my body and mind farther than I thought they could go. I'm still amazed at the human body. I've said it before and I'll say it again, God is a genius! The human body when properly taken care of is capable of so much more that we think it is.

Someone from the group asked me why I didn't just choose the weight loss surgery. I had explained how I looked at that option. And all I can say is that yes I know I would have lost weight faster and with less effort. And yes its pretty safe nowadays, and yes my insurance even would have paid for it. But the reason I didn't choose that was because I wanted to earn it. I wanted to sweat, bleed and hurt for it. And I've done all those! I'm not bashing anyone who has chosen that option for themselves. I just heard God tell me that it wasn't for me.

Look, heres the truth about me as a person. I have been a lazy ass most of my life. Sorry for the language but that's the truth. I've sat around for many years and watched other people live. I watched thousands of hours of television and movies and read hundreds of books about other people living and having adventures. And I am absolutely sick of living that way. Its not living at all. I'm not crying about the past, I just know how I'm going to live in the future.

For most of my life I have chosen the easy way on just about everything. From jobs to relationships to being active. I wanted to do this the hard way. I wanted to earn something for a change and be able to look back and know that I did the right thing. And God has revealed so much to me on this journey. If something is easy then it isn't worth having. But the things in life that you will bleed for, that you will sweat and hurt for, those are the things that are worth everything! God is teaching me discipline and self control. And its time to move that into all areas of my life. I have found that I am more productive for Gods kingdom. I have had the opportunity twice to share Gods story with people and I find myself bolder than I have ever been. I cant wait to tell people about this very real God who is just ready and waiting to love them and change their lives. There is nothing in this world or out of this world that is too big for our God! Any type of addiction or problem or sin or guilt is tiny next to his power and love.

So yeah its been hard. I have wanted to quit and go home so many times. I used so much foul language here the first 2 weeks. I had to repent and apologize to my trainers. I have puked more here than I have in my entire life before. My body has ached like I didn't know it could. I've had days when I couldn't hardly get in and out of a chair. The first 3 weeks here I cried myself to sleep every night. But God was with me every step of the way. And I have learned that if I can push through and persevere, then there is something beautiful on the other side that is so worth it!

As I am preparing to come home and jump back into life, I feel so solid and ready. God brought me to the perfect place. He knew what he was doing when he led me here. God brought me to the desert to break me and rebuild me. Its amazing how perfect his plan is. I am so glad that I trusted him. I cant say enough about how much I am in love with God. Not only a living savior but a perfect father.


with blood, sweat and tears in the desert,
ken

aaahhhhh!!!!!

Not much to report this week. I have been sick since yesterday morning. Although I am getting a little better. But it really bugs me cause I cant do anything. No workouts at all, just rest. But the clock is ticking. I only have a couple weeks left here and I need to finish strong. Its really starting to get to me. But I have to keep in mind that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Its not a numbers game like the tv show. This is about being healthier for the rest of my life. So I just need to chill and rest. And then tomorrow hit it hard.

I cant believe that I've been here 7 weeks. It feels like forever. God has totally changed my life. We were watching some video that was shot the first week I was here. It was strange to watch how different I was. I walk different now and hold myself different. I have confidence. I was wheezing and out of breath just walking at a fast pace and now I'm jogging! None of the clothes I came with fit anymore. I still wear some of the t-shirts but they hang off me. My jeans don't fit at all. Could be the 7+ inches I've lost from my waist.

My dad passed away a few months ago. And he left me some money. That is the only way that I was able to come here. I never would have been able to afford it otherwise. He died of heart failure. And I know he would be proud of me for using some of what he left me for this. I also bought a sweet truck ( hey he liked trucks too!).

I almost didn't come here. Fear is a terrible thing to live with. I don't miss it at all. I think freedom is the coolest thing that Christ gives us. It allows us to live like we were meant to. We weren't created to be slaves, yet that is how much of us live. Thank you God for freedom.

In the words of William Wallace...........FREEDOM!!!!!!!

ken

lazy Sunday

Resting is good. Especially when you go non-stop during the week. I appreciate the Sabbath more now that I live an active and physical lifestyle. I enjoy my time with God more too.

I am pretty much just chillin today. Finished my tattoo last night. I cant tell you how much it hurt. Found out that the calf is one of the more sensitive places on the body to get inked. I have wanted this style of tattoo for some time. And the timing seemed perfect. I researched it and designed my own. Its a Polynesian design meaning re-birth or new. I thought it was appropriate considering the changes in my life. Hurt like a beast but it looks cool.

Things are still going good here. Working with a broken wrist, but there are ways around it. Staying strong and giving it all I got. I am on the downhill slope now and I've been tempted to slack off some. But I gotta stay focused and finish strong here.

I am so ready to come home. I miss my friends and church community so much. I am going to Easter Sunday with the Richmond's out here though, so that will be awesome!

Anyway that's about it. Thanks for all the prayers and support. I hope no one has forgotten me back home! See you all in about 3 weeks!

ken

this post will be short. turns out i broke my arm in 2 places riding 4 wheelers at the dunes last Saturday. i have no regrets though, it was amazing! just hard to type with a cast! things are good. very hard, but still good.

I was enjoying some solitude the other night and thinking about transformation. and i realized the reason it is such a difficult journey. God is changing me on many levels but i think first it starts with the heart and from there the mindset. I find myself in this transition where i am now reaching for new things. but that means i have to let go of old things. and that is the difficult part. some of those old things are like parasites that have burrowed under the skin. you have to be proactive in your decision. because you can only cling to or grip so many things at once. you cant cling to old selfish ways and God and his future at the same time. God wont stand for it.

Since about January I have heard God saying to me "what do you want, what will you grip, you need to make up your mind". I love the song lyrics "you wont relent until you have it all". One thing I have learned about God is that he is totally relentless.

So as I loosen my grip on old sinful things I find myself able to grip new things. I cant say enough how good God is. My whole life start to present is the gospel.

All i have to do is remember where i came from and it makes me cry and laugh at the same time. God is filling the holes in my heart. And for that I am eternally grateful. What else can I say? I am the prodigal son who is now an adopted child of God. And if you live life with that realization, then everything else falls into place.

broken and healing in Utah,
ken

ahh the weekend...

Not much to post today. I'm being pretty lazy today but I've earned it. We went to the famous sand dunes all day yesterday and rode 4wheelers. Cant believe how sun burnt and sore I am. Almost got flung off the quad a couple times. Jacked up my wrist, but worth it! Had a blast.

Hitting the pool and the hot tub today, just gonna chill. Gotta get ready for another big week! Weight in is Tuesday morning. I'm sure it will be fine. We have really been killing it lately. I have learned that the scale isn't nearly as important as we think. All I have to do is the right healthy thing and then the scale is a by-product of that. I feel great. I cant believe how much I miss my church. I haven't had a good Sunday sermon/worship time since I have left Cape. Cant find a church here that is anything I need. But God is good.

Hope you all back home are doing great. See you in a few weeks!

ken

still here

Hey all. I know I haven't blogged this week at all. I cant believe how busy I am here. I just now realized that it is Thursday. This week has been rough, but today is better. This is my fifth week here and the trainers have really kicked it up a notch. Yesterday was leg day and I puked twice. We went to a park and ran hills. I mean really steep hills. I made it almost to the top and my legs totally locked up and I couldn't even walk for a few minutes. It was crazy. Today my legs hurts so bad I have almost cried a couple times.

As we approach the weekend things are starting to move a little slower. Tomorrow we only have 3 workouts. And then a movie and a full body massage tomorrow night. You would think that the massage would be relaxing and sometimes it is. But sometimes your muscles are so tight that you are more sore after the massage.

I'm really looking forward to Saturday. There are only 5 of us here for the next few days, so we decided to have some fun this weekend. Saturday we are renting ATVs and going to the famous sand dunes. We are going to ride all day in the desert! It should be awesome. They say the dunes reach for as far as you can see. Hopefully I'm not too tired to ride!

This week has been hard in different ways. In some ways since I have been here 5 weeks now I am kinda used to it and it is easier. But this week for some reason I have been hitting a lot of mental blocks. I have never physically pushed myself this hard before. And there have been many times this week where I thought I might quit and leave. I wanted to so bad. There has been a lot of crying this week. Mainly from me.

But here's the awesome thing. I didn't quit. Not only did I not quit, I have pushed myself beyond my limits. And now that I am coming out on the other side of it, I feel stronger and more confident. I have been asking God for endurance all week, and he has delivered. I am learning to claim the victory and strength that I have in him. He has already set me up for success, all I have to do is trust him and claim it. Praise God!

This has been the craziest, hardest, most suckiest and best thing I have ever done in my entire life. I can feel God building character and discipline in me. And I love him even more for that. I have never been as mentally and physically tired as I am experiencing here.

I got to share what God has done in my life. We were sitting around the table eating dinner last night and somehow religion and spirituality came up. People shared what their beliefs or thoughts were. Its a pretty diverse group here. We got a Mormon, Catholic, Methodist (me), an atheist and an agnostic. It was weird, but I felt that I just needed to listen and not speak. So I kept my mouth shut and listened. The last person to go explained how she was agnostic and couldn't really believe in God because of certain events in her life. She didn't go into great detail, but I sensed some serious hurt and pain from her past. Her views weren't very popular at the table we were sitting at and people started to kinda get on her about not believing in God or at least a god of some kind. She didn't share anymore. And I we sat there eating the rest of dinner I almost broke into tears. In my mind I had this image of God just in agony over his daughter who is lost. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I sensed that God deeply loves this girl and he is not letting her get away. I went to the bathroom after dinner and I was praying. What should I say? What can I say to make a difference? What scripture can I quote that will move her world. And God said just to tell her what he has done for me and let her know that he loves her. I told him when I got the chance that I would tell her. God has a sense of humor, I went and got on the elevator and guess who was on there? Yep, just me and her. I don't even know how I started it but soon I was sharing what God has done in my life. She seemed interested and we continued talking after we got off the elevator. I sensed that God wanted me to open up and be real with her. I shared things with her that I have only shared with a couple of people. I figured she was going to run away thinking I was a freak. I told her that God wanted her to know that he is crazy about her and loves her deeply. She started crying, opening up to me about her problems in life and depression and all kinds of hurt. I asked her if I could pray for her but she was so upset she walked away to her room crying. I had no idea where to go from there. What the crap do I do now? This morning after breakfast she asked me if I would keep her in my prayers. That's it. Nothing more. I have no idea where she is. She didn't share anymore. But I think I honored God by just sharing with her. I realized that it isn't even my story, but Gods story. So I will pray for her and look for opportunities and be prepared if the time comes to talk more.

It was the most natural thing in the world to share with her. It was nuts. I realized you don't have to have the Bible memorized or have graduated from seminary. For the first time while sharing the gospel with someone I didnt have an agenda. I just tried to love her like God does. God just wants his people to talk about him! Its that simple.

with the eye of the tiger,
ken

almost halfway there!

This has been a pretty good week. I did have a mishap while hiking. Took a nasty spill and bruised my shoulder, arm and hip. But I am on the mend! Nothing broke, that's all I can hope for! Even if I could go back and do something different I wouldn't. The view from that mountain was worth the pain. I think maybe the pain made the view even more beautiful. Because that view for me that day came with a price. And something I have learned here is that nothing that comes easy is worth having.

Today has been awesome. I have already burned about 4000 calories during workouts. We started the day with a rough hour long core workout. We ended it with an abs burnout. Which is where you do crunches while holding a 10 pound medicine ball above your head. I finished! And then promptly threw up all over. Everyone was laughing and pointing. Ah well, it happens.

Had a great weight training session this afternoon, worked biceps and triceps. I cant hardly lift my arms right now and I know it will be worse tomorrow!

getting ready for dinner and then onto our evening workout. Tonight I'm doing a turbo water aerobics class. Its harder than it sounds.

I am coming up on my halfway point here. Monday will be 4 weeks in and 4 to go. I can't praise God enough for the change he is bringing into my life. I am 30 years old and I feel as if I just started living. My whole mindset is different. My priorities are different. My outlook on life is different. So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm coming home different!

I was brushing my teeth last night and looking in the mirror. I was so happy that I started to laugh. I can see the difference in my face from the weight loss.

I wont lie, these first 4 weeks here have been the hardest thing that I have ever done. There have been days of horrible temptation. Times that I wanted to just give up. Times when I thought there was no way that I can do this. But the cool thing is that God can do all things! And he is pulling me through this.

This has been the best thing that I have ever done. I am ready to attack the rest of my life. I have no idea what God has in store for me for the future. No idea where I will be working when I come home. But I am not worried about it. Because with a God like ours in control, I don't have to worry.

Thanks so much for the letters and prayers and encouragement. I would not even have made it to this place if it weren't for the people God put in my life.


Love you all and miss you,
see you in 5 weeks!

ken

eye of the tiger baby....

Happy Monday!

After being well rested from a great weekend, I am back at it hardcore today. Started the morning off at 6 with a killer core workout, my abs are still threatening to cramp! Then a great breakfast and a weight training session, I cant lift either arm at the moment. Got a little free time right now and then onto lunch followed by a 6 mile hike ( which I can now do no problem)

Its crazy, the more I push my body, the more it likes it. I have pushed far past any place I have ever been mentally and physically. And I found out that I can in fact do it. I have found something here that is precious. And it is growing. I have found Confidence! Not in myself, but what God will help me do when I lean on him and push it.

I realized today that I am changing in more than just physical ways. I am up at the butt crack of dawn everyday, and I love it. I get to watch God bring the sun up every morning and its one of my favorite things now. Eating the right way, so much good healthy food out there.

My blood pressure has lowered, I was on medication when I came here and now I don't need it! My resting heart rate is 32 beats per minute lower. Which means I can do more stuff now. I used to sometimes not even get off the couch and now I am literally climbing mountains! I am falling in love with God like I never have before. Spending so much time with him. I almost cant stand to sit still anymore. I feel like I should be doing something. Total 180 from before. I am finding out that I am pretty competitive. And that I love beating new challenges. I couldn't walk one mile before I came here without being winded and having to stop. This morning as a warm up I jogged a mile and then went on to a full workout.

The body is a truly amazing creation. God doesn't get enough credit for his genius. I am turning into a machine. And I am loving it!

But this is all just a training ground. I have 5 more weeks here. And then its back to the real world. And I cant wait. Because I know its going to be completely different. Because it a choice. And its my choice. I know where I am coming from, and I'll never go back there again!

with the eye of the tiger,
big ken

The view last night as a major winter storm front blew into salt lake city. They got 18 inches of powder overnight up top. That means awesome snowshoeing Monday!

oops...

So one of the cool things about this experience is that I am trying new things. And I'm finding out that being healthy and living right can be fun. I found out that while I despise just walking, I love hiking trails. I also found out that yoga makes you toot. I had my first yoga class this morning. And we were doing this position called downward dog. And my abs were getting such a workout that I couldn't help but toot. Everyone laughed and the instructor said that is normal to toot during yoga. So anyway I didn't feel too bad.

The last couple days have been awesome. I have felt great and really been able to push it farther. I am daily passing the point where I think I cant go on anymore. Where I would have quit before I now push through. I have prayed for strength and endurance and God is blessing me with them.

Last night we went cosmic bowling, it was pretty fun. The group of people I am here with are really cool people. I have made really good friends with several of them. Today we have one more light cardio workout after lunch. Then some of us are going to the auto expo tonight. I hear it is really cool.

Sunday is always a relaxing day. Massages in the morning, pool and hot tub, a nice hike in the National Park. Its a much needed day for body and mind to recover.

Oh and here is something awesome too. In a couple weeks some of us are going to see Muse in concert here. That should be fun.

Anyway that's about it for the last couple days. Just been doing my thing here. Time has really started to fly here. After this weekend I will have 4 more weeks here. I cant wait to come home. I feel like I'm just now starting to live. Reading the Bible daily, spending time with God and seeking his will. Letting him deal with stuff I have held onto for way too long. TRANSFORMATION!!!! Its by far the hardest thing I have ever done, but it is so worth it!

love you all,
ken

Us about halfway through our snowshoeing adventure on Monday. I am still upright after 5 miles! I got hot so lost the jacket. I also got a mild sunburn, but it was worth it! I found out that I l0ve snowshoeing and hiking! Who knew?

This is the view from my balcony. I love waking up every morning and watching the sun rise over the mountains. Pretty sweet.

highs and lows...

Hello to my people out there. Things are going great but tough here. Monday we had an all day snowshoeing adventure. It was amazing. We were at 12000 ft. And you could tell the difference in your breathing. We did part packed trails and not packed trails. Some places it was waist deep and it was a workout just to walk. We did about 9 miles in all. It was awesome. We went through the national park. So quiet there, miles away from anything. Saw all kinds of wildlife and beautiful mountains and cliffs. Yesterday and today my lower body has hurt so bad, that all I can do is laugh. Every muscle is just screaming! But its cool cause I know that I earned that. I have never pushed myself like that before. And I made it through! It was worth it and I cant wait till we go again.

The last couple days have been rough on everyone here. Seems like we all have a couple great days, where your feeling great and just killing the workouts and nothing can stop you. Then a couple days later the pain sets in and you have trouble getting in and out of a chair. I have had cramps in places I didn't know could cramp. Its actually pretty funny. But so worth it.

I can feel my mindset changing. Thinking less about the now and more about the future. And I realize that is what being healthy is all about. Making good decisions now that benefit us long term. And then I got to thinking how that is suppose to be the way we make decisions in every part of our lives. Somethings are great when we want them, cause when we want something, be it food or anything else, we typically want it right now. That is why sometimes it seems like we are a nation of fat, lazy and spoiled people.

God is teaching me that self-control isn't a myth or an unattainable goal. But it is hard to put into action. And its not something that can be learned and then no longer pursued any more. It is an ongoing process of keeping our wants and desires in check.

The last two days I have been mentally exhausted. My trainer says it is normal. I feel like I have hit a wall. I am trying to pray and call on God for strength and endurance. And I am being attacked in my sleep. With really depressing dreams. For the last couple nights I have been dreaming of my grandma who passed away a couple years ago. In the dream I am aware that its not real and it depresses me. And I find myself lonely and struggling as I start my day.

We went to the state capital today. They are doing major renovations on their buildings. And they were explaining to us that some of the older buildings had to be completely broken down to their foundations before they could be properly built back up. I had this weird moment where I though I heard God whisper to me "see? do you get it? I'm tearing you down to rebuild you."

One thing I have learned in the last 4 years of my life is that growth is hard. And not a little hard. But there is a point in real growth that just plain sucks. I am very grateful that God is working on me. But I thought I was coming here to work on physical growth. But I'm finding out that God had a lot more in store for me. I am feeling very raw. Thinking a lot about failed relationships and lost loved ones. Part of it is that I am away from home. But I know also that God is addressing some things as I release my grip on them.

I drove out here to Utah. And on the way here I stopped and visited my mother. I hadn't seen her in years. We are estranged and have been since I was young. I felt like God wanted me to meet with here. So we spent a few hours together. It was very strange, like visiting a stranger. It wasn't dramatic or anything like I was expecting. And afterwards I find myself angry. I'm not sure who I'm mad at. I mean it took a lot for me to just meet with her and put myself out there. I think I had too much expectations about what God was going to do. I need to just let it be what it is going to be and move on I guess.

Anyway I guess that's about it for this week so far. Thanks for all the prayers and letters.

miss you all,
ken

ahhh...

I have enjoyed this weekend. We haven't done much of anything and its been nice. We went and saw Shutter Island last night, yikes very creepy. This afternoon I'm going to walmart for some stuff. And then to Barnes and Noble for a couple hours or reading and chillin. I feel completely rested and over the bug that was going around. Which is great because tomorrow we are going snowshoeing all day! We are going even higher than usual and the weather is suppose to be beautiful. I will take my camera and upload some pics, the view up there is amazing.

Thats about it from me. Things are going great. I really needed this weekend to rest and refocus. I was starting to feel really stressed and lonely. Even though I have been doing great I started to listen to doubts and whispers from the enemy. But I am back on track now. And I am ready for a new week!

I really miss all you guys back home. I miss my dog too. And my own bed. But I know I am here for a reason, for a mission. And I will complete this mission before I come home.

Thanks for all the prayers and support. Thanks to those who sent mail. Its funny, I received the letters on my worst day here. I really needed to see something from someone who loves me that day, and poof! I had a stack of mail. It meant a lot to me.

Miss you all, but still rocking it out here!

Love,
big ken

drum roll please.......

So I am down for the count today with a bug. A few people here have been passing it around. But the good news is that yesterday I weighed in. And in addition to losing 10 inches, I also lost 10.8 pounds!!! That is awesome and I am really excited. I can actually feel my body changing. I am getting stronger and faster. The human body is an amazing machine. God is super creative. Since I have been here I have also lowered my resting heart rate by 18 beats per minute. Which means my heart isn't having to work as hard. And when it is working hard during workouts it is liking it.

Like I said I am sick today. I started running a fever last night and into the morning. But it is early afternoon now and I am already feeling better. My trainers ordered me to take the day off and recover. I am just anxious to get up tomorrow and hit it hard again! We are going hiking tomorrow up in the mountains. They spotted 2 mountain lions at the same spot a week ago. Everyone here is saying how they don't want to see them cause it would be dangerous. I totally want to see them and get close! I am starting to develop a zeal and excitement for life! I used to watch other people have adventures or read about it. I find myself pushing things harder and faster now. To live in fear is not to live at all. You just have to accept the fact that you will get hurt, bruised and possibly broken, but its a small price to pay to live!

I am going crazy sitting here in my room resting. This is the first time I have watched tv since I have been here. And its really boring!

I went for a short walk this morning a little before 7. And as the sun came up over the snowy mountain range it was so beautiful that I started to cry. Not a bad cry, just one of wonderment and joy. I had this thought that the same God that made those breathtaking mountains, and that awesome sun, the same God that made all those colors, that very same God made me in his image. And that he loved me over his other beautiful creations in nature. That thought was literally overwhelming. And I told God in that moment that I would never waste my life again. Because its really not my life. If I believe that I am indeed created in his image and that he does love me an unmeasurable amount. Then I also have to believe that he has plans for my life, that my life has to be about more than just myself. I have to believe that my life is valuable to him. And that he also he wants me enjoy this life and enjoy his other creations in nature.

Its crazy, I find myself totally changing. Not only physically, but my thought process as well. My desires for the future.

I don't know what God has planned for me, but I know and I trust that it is far better then anything I could dream up for myself. And that makes me smile : )

miss you all,
ken

Hello!

First things first. I am waiting till tomorrow to weigh. But they did my measurements this morning and I lost 10 inches total!! Its working! I lost 3 inches off my waist and 3 off my chest. Some off my legs. And I gained 3/4 of an inch on my biceps! So that is awesome. And even through all the pain and hurts I am feeling stronger.

Sorry for not posting anything for a couple days. Whew I cant believe how busy I am here. Last weekend was good. Went snowshoeing on Saturday. Amazing how difficult it was. It was powder which was up to my waist in most places. I was beat the rest of the weekend after that. The view weather was a little rough so the pics didnt turn out that great, dont worry we are going again this Thursday! I will take plenty of pics. Saturday night we all went to a movie and just chilled.

Sunday I found a cool little pentecostal church, it was amazing, just the worship I was looking for. Didn't know anyone there but felt totally connected into Gods community.

Was suppose to meet up with some friends I had made the previous week and do some snowboarding, but there were unable to make it. So I went by myself! It was awesome. Such a lower body workout, I still hurt from it! The weekend was very good. Had some slow quiet times also.

This week has been rough so far, starting with a minor foot injury yesterday which is starting to really piss me off! They thought it may have been a fracture even, but turns out it is just strained muscles. And now today that ankle is locking up on me. But I am working through it. Praise God that it isn't something that is going to slow me down. They have people here that stretch me before and after every workout. This week is rough because the workouts are getting more intense. I'm pushing myself as hard as I can though. And it always feels great after (even with the pain!)

We start every morning with 70 mins of intense weight training. And I mean intense, we all lay on the floor and pant and cry after, I'm not joking! Then we eat breakfast, take a break to stretch and cool off. Then onto cardio intervals for 70 mins. Which is where you alternate for 5 mins at a time. Switching from low intensity to high intensity. Really jumping your heart rate up and down. Then we eat a snack and take a break. I sit in the hot tub to loosen everything up. Otherwise I have found out that I will lock up in my legs and back. Then we eat lunch and get ready for our third workout of the day. Which is normally abs and core workout, which I have come to despise. Thats the one that makes people barf. After that I am completely spent. I drink a protein shake and take a 1 hour nap. Sometimes I don't even make it to my bed. The couch in the lobby of the main building knows me well now. Then after dinner we do 2 more hours of cross training and cardio.

Thats pretty much a day in my life right now. There are some cool people here. And I'm laughing a lot. And crying some too. The cramps are the worst, but they are starting to subside now that my body is getting the right food and nutrients.


Miss you all. Thanks for the prayers!

Ken

still alive!

Hey guys, haven't blogged in a couple. Its been a rough couple of days. Altitude sickness hit me really hard. But I kept working through it. It is starting to lift now, I'm not feeling so dizzy anymore. And my energy level is much better. I've been starting off every early morning workout with some puking. They are calling me "Barf". Ha ha.

Things are going great, I feel like I'm starting to get into a routine. Becoming more comfortable with what we are doing. I feel lonely at night. But God is really with me and he takes care of me.

Today during an afternoon workout I hit my wall. It was almost impossible to lift my legs or move at all. My trainer wanted me to work through it. Then I found out he wanted to wear me out to exhaustion and deal with some stuff. Its crazy, these trainers aren't just trainers, most of them have counseling degrees and really know what they are doing. Its amazing how honest you will be when you are at the brink of literally falling down. So we dug into all kinds of stuff from my childhood. Reasons why I find myself 30 and so unhealthy, and how that affects me not only physically but mentally and spiritually also. I know that I can never go back to some habits that I am now breaking. They kept me a prisoner in my own body for years. The old Ken is slowly fading and I'm pretty stoked about what God is shaping!

If I'm not working out or passed out on the floor I am reading my Bible. I feel like God is breaking me in every way. Its amazing what God will start to do when we let him deal with all the B.S. we carry around. I've got emotional stuff from childhood that I've allowed to shape me as an adult. It all has to go.

Its crazy, this journey is just starting, but I have this feeling that God is transforming me in a huge way. I guess that's what happens when your done jacking up stuff on your own. There's no where to go but up!

Tomorrow might be a little rough. We are going up to one of the tallest mountains here and going snowshoeing. The altitude is going to suck, I'm sure I will be barfing again! We are at about 6000 ft above sea level here. Tomorrow we are going another 4300 feet up. The view should be awesome though. I'm looking forward to it.

Well my massage therapist Lorenzo should be here any minute. My upper back and neck muscles have been locking up me. And I've been getting wicked cramps. I hate bananas but they keep shoving them down my throat. And I'm eating avocado now, which I've always hated.
New things right?

We are going to a comedy club tomorrow night, we are all excited bout that. And then we are going to the Salt Flats on Sunday. They say it is awesome. I'm taking my camera snowshoeing tomorrow, so I'll try and post some pics. Maybe we can get a good one of my launching my protein shake over the side of the mountain!

much love
ken out

whats the difference between a sadist and a personal trainer?

answer : trainers get paid to hurt people, sadist do it for free.

ha ha, I told that to my trainer today and earned another 10 minutes at cardio blast! They are awesome though.

So today is the end of day 2. And its weird. Cause on one hand I hurt and am very sore. My aches and pains have aches and pains. But on the other I am finding that I have more energy that I thought. Probably has a lot to do with what and how we are eating. I surprised myself today. We did a thing called cardio meltdown. Yikes. Basically you do 10 minutes on a bike, elliptical and treadmill, and every 2 minutes you increase speed and incline. Then you switch machines every 10 minutes. I thought there was no way that I was going to be able to finish. It was the most intense cardio workout I have ever done. We did a total of 60 minutes and not only did I finish, but I didnt have to stop once! I almost fell down when I was done, but I finished it. That was a win for me.

We did 4 different workouts today from cardio to weight training to hikiing. For a total workout time of 5 hours and 45 mintes. It was nuts. But heres the weird part. I am finding that I recover faster than I thought I would. And I feel very tired and sore at the end of the day, but I also feel fantastic. I am changing my life and tht feels freakin aweosme! We were Polar heart monitors all day that track our heart rate and calories burned. Today I burned about 5000 calories! That's nuts!

God has definitely shown me that he led me to the right spot. The people here are amazing. My trainer said that i did such a great job today that I deserved a massage. It was great because my neck and back muscles were on fire. I got an awesome massage by the head massage guy for the Utah Jazz. It was very good.

Tomorrow I meet with a flexibility trainer. Which means they are going to bend me and twist me like a pretzel to increase my flexibility.

I'm pooped. Going to take a nice hot shower and fall in bed.

I want to thank you all for praying for me. I can really feel all your guys prayers. There have been times when my body is shutting down and is just screaming. Thats when I can feel the prayers. God is really seeing me through this.

You guys are awesome. Thanks for the encouragement!

see ya, ken

bring the pain...

This is going to be a quick post. Mainly because I have plans to go and pass out on my bed in about 4 mins. Today was the first full day of the program. Holy nuts. There is no way someone can come here and not get into better shape. And they even went easy on me today! Thats the part that really scares me. Tomorrow starts with weight training and then 4 other workout times by the end of the day. I can barely walk and I hurt in places that I didnt know existed.

God also used today to really show me that I am in the right place. Yesterday and last night I was feeling really lonely and thinking there was no way that this is right for me. But after today I know this is where I am suppose to be for now. I think sometimes God uses our loneliness to show us that all we really have is him anyway. Maybe I needed to be reminded of that.

The staff here are amazing. They are hardcore but in a cool way. And a little sadistic too! But you can tell they have a passion and that is to help people live a healthier and more productive life.

And the food that we get to eat is amazing! I am eating the healthiest food I have ever eaten and I am loving it. Fresh fruit and salads and protein shakes, all day long. And they are educating me on how to do this for myself when I go home.

Also I have to pee like every 3o minutes. They are making me drink like 150 ounces a day of water. I feel like I'm floating! They are trying to flush me out.

Thats it for the first day. It was hard, but also amazing. I don't feel as lonely now knowing that I am being obedient.

Bring the pain baby!!!

vanwinkle out

Mormons and Germans oh my...

As I sit here icing my elbow and shoulder, I knew it would come to this. Some sort of slight injury. I started the day off with service at The Mormon Tabernacle. Their choir is ridiculous, they must have had 400 people in the choir. Very different kind of service. Cool experience.

This afternoon a couple guys from the camp and myself took the shuttle to the Solitude Ski Area. We decided to go snowboarding. Keep in mind I haven't been on a snowboard since I was a teenager. And I'm also dealing with a touch of altitude sickness, which messes with your balance. Needless to say about an hour into boarding everyone was calling me Chris Farley. I was falling all over the place! We met up with a group of Germans who were literally insane! So we joined groups up and tore up the mountain side. The Germans thought I was the funniest person they had ever met. We did some trails through woods. And I got ran over by two different ski lifts as I was trying to get off! They had to stop the whole lift, people were pissed. My guys and the Germans were falling down they were laughing so hard. Every time we would go to get on of off a lift they would get their cameras ready just in case I was going down.

I fell down so many times, and on one of the last runs as it was starting to get dark, I fell hard and torqued my elbow and shoulder. It was totally worth it though!

I had a freakin blast today with the guys from my group. And the German dudes were the craziest and loudest guys I had ever met. They said they love America! When we parted thay all hugged and kissed me. I get the idea that they are the kind of people that have experiences wherever they go. I want to live more like that. Having my own experiences instead of watching other people have theirs.

We finally ate dinner together at the bar on the slopes. It was amazing hearing stories about peoples lives from all over the world. They kicked us out of the lodge cause we were being too loud. It was awesome. I need to get kicked out of places more often. It was invigorating!

The best part is that they are here for a couple more weeks for some convention. So next Saturday we are all planning on getting together again and going on a day long snowmobile adventure way up in the mountains! You gotta throw some fun in right?

Anyway the camp doc checked me out and said I would be sore but nothing was seriously injured. Nothing some ice cant fix. By the way the doctors name is Ben Pepper. Dr Pepper!!!

Tomorrow is go time! It kicks off the first full day of the program. I'm ready!

I miss you all!
vanwinkle out!

first day jitters...

So after being on the road since Wednesday I got into Salt Lake City last night (Friday). Yesterday was awesome, I went through the Rockies in Colorado. I was driving past this place that rented snowmobiles by the hour and thought that would be fun. It had been a long time since I had been on one of those, and I forgot how fast they are! I rode the trails for almost 3 hours and it was awesome. At one point we had to stop because they were dynamite blasting for avalanches in front of us. Totally wicked. Then later I was held up for a few hours because the interstate was closed due to snow and black ice. Met some cool people hanging out at the rest area in Estes Park.

Anyway i made it into to Salt Lake City late last night. Spent the night at the camp. Its super nice here, guess it should be as much as its costing me! Today started out with assessments and testings. I met with my trainer and we discussed my goals. We will meet again Monday morning before the program gets into full swing. And then I met my small group as they call it. I am in a group with 4 other guys. We all kinda have the same goals and are in the same place physically. As a fun thing to kinda get to know each other we got to pick an outing to go on together. We chose the Living Aquarium. It was cool. Sharks and stuff, but it was even cooler to hear these guys stories.

Later we went back to the camp and they said we were going sightseeing. So we loaded up in the SUV's and took off. We wound up at a ski resort. They said we were going to ride some lifts to get to the top of the mountian. For someone who isnt too cool with heights, a series of ski lifts is terrifying. But a little while later we made it to the top of one of the tallest mountians in Utah. And as we were all taking pictures and looking at the view, our trainer tells us that on our second to last day here in 6 weeks that we will be hiking this mountian. I almost pooped and threw up at the same time! What? It took forever on the lifts to get up there. Anyway that is how people end their time at the camp. I am excited and nervous at the same time.

Tomorrow is Sunday and its a free day. Its the last day that I will be able to leave the camp on my own for the next 6 weeks. I am going to church at the Mormon Tabernacle. It is suppose to be beautiful. People here are telling me that the Mormon choir is awesome. So after that my small group and I are going to Solitude Ski Resort to do some snowboarding! I havent been snowboarding since I was 18 so this should be scary! I think I'm going to wear a diaper just in case!

Thanks for all the prayers and support! I will update tomorrow evening!
Love you all!

vanwinkle out

almost go time...

Only two more days until I'm headed out! I am just getting clothes and stuff together, preparing to be gone for 7 weeks. I am really excited but there has been some tension and negative thoughts also. Just the usual second guessing myself and thinking that I wont be able to do this.

I was sitting in church Saturday evening listening to Michael Franzese speak. And his story of transformation was inspiring. A lot of things he said were really good, but one thing he said in particular really stuck me. He said "If God leads you to it, then He will see you through it". And it got me thinking. God isn't setting me up for failure. As long as I'm obedient and give this everything I got, then I cant fail. It was just the right thing that I needed to hear at that moment.

Anyway, two more days!

vanwinkle out

heres the skinny

Ok, so here it is. Next Wednesday the 10th, I am headed to the Biggest Loser Fitness Camp in Utah. Yes thats right, I am going to fat camp! I will be spending 6 weeks there in an intensive weight loss program. Just like the tv show, just no cameras. I will be blogging while I am there to journal my trip and also let you all know whats happening.

I am very excited about where God has led me to. I lost my dad to heart disease this past summer. He was 48 years old when he passed. And God has really used his death to get my attention about my weight and health. I had some testing done a couple weeks ago and there was bad news and good news. The bad news is that I am close to having serious health issues that come with being obese. The good news is that my heart is currently in good shape and that I have one last chance to make a change. I am doing this to save my life. My weight has affected me my entire life. And as I am getting older (30 now) it is affecting my energy level and attitude and everything.

Anyway my goals in doing this is to change my life. It will be the hardest thing physically and mentally that I have ever done. Also I can't remember that last time I have been this excited!

Its funny, I have heard some people say God called them to live in a certain place or to a certain ministry. God has called me to fat camp! How nuts is that?

So thats where I am at. We are at T minus 6 days until I begin my Saffatical. I appreciate all your thoughts and prayers while I go through this journey!


vanwinkle out