Thanks...

So I had a great weekend. I have got to do so many exciting things while being here. And I have met some really cool people, from all over the world. I'm sitting here in my room packing to come home. I head out tomorrow morning. Should be a 2 day drive, unless I feel frisky and drive through the night!

I find myself kinda sad that I'm leaving. But still very excited to come home. I cant believe where I have come from. God used this place and the time here to re-shape who I am. Its been a great start. My own personal training ground.

I had a dream last night that I went on a mission trip to Africa and the Lord told me to stay there. I was kinda freaked out when I woke up because I am going on a mission trip to Africa in a couple months. Yikes! But maybe its just a dream. Or maybe God is preparing me for something. I don't know. But I do know whatever he has planned is way better than I could ever dream of! We as people dream so small. Yet we serve a God whose dreams would blow our minds!

I cant thank you all enough for the prayer and support. I may not have a close immediate family like I've always wanted. But the family that I do have is amazing. And the friends that I have been blessed with are unbelievable. Thank you guys so much, I love you dearly. I could not have gotten through this without God giving me constant love and strength. He pushed, prodded, kicked and carried me through this.

I am looking forward to coming home and attacking life. I think I may bug people because I am so happy now! God taught me so many things. Self discipline and confidence. He taught me that life is for living! And serving him.

I have learned that if you don't face and control your fears that they will control and cripple you. I am deathly afraid of spiders. They give me the real heebie jeebies. Last weekend we went to an exotic pet store. And I made myself hold a tarantula. I mean a huge one, it was hairy and disgusting. It was as big as my left hand. I held it and it climbed all over me. I wanted to murder it because I think they are evil. But I faced my fear. I also handled a 13 foot Burmese python. That was a little more intense. But I did it. I refuse to allow fear to control me. In any area of my life. I have always been afraid of heights, not so much anymore after doing a high ropes course and almost falling off a mountain! I got to share the gospel to a couple people here. I stepped out and was obedient. And because I wasn't ruled by fear those people heard that Christ loves them with no agenda. I cant tell you the freedom that is waiting just on the other side of fear.

I was asked to speak to the group tonight, everyone is pretty new and I am a veteran now! It should be good. I'm sure I will get emotional. Its been a crazy journey.

I came here truly broken. Still dealing with my grandma passing a couple years ago. I lost my dad just last year. And then right before new years ended an engagement. One night the first week here God and I had it out. I was so pissed I just let everything out. Why couldn't he let people live longer? Why couldn't he let my relationship work out? I actually accused him of not wanting me to be happy. As I was saying all this to him I knew I didn't believe it. I didn't realize how much anger and hurt from all different things I had stored up. After hours of screaming and crying I was spent. I couldn't hardly move I had exhausted myself so much. And that's when I heard him. So clearly I was scared at first. I was just venting, and now I thought he must be pissed! And as my memories returned to my horrible childhood, the loved ones that have passed and broken relationships that still hurt, I saw how he was there through all of it. I expected him to be mad at me for blaming him, all I got was this overwhelming sense of loss and sadness. And I realized that he was mourning with me, and hurting with me. We sat there for awhile and just cried. Then I started thinking about what I truly know about his character. What his word says about him. How I have seen him in my entire life fighting for me. And it broke my heart. Just that realization that he loves me so much and has given so much and I return that with disobedience and anger. It put me on the ground with shame.

That night was the start of a whole new chapter of mine and Gods relationship. And I can now say that I am more in love with God than I have ever been. I have a hunger to please him and learn about him and spend time with him. And for the first time in my life He is more important that tv or entertainment or myself or anything. And now I know that he has always been waiting on me to want more. I just had to let him deal with some really nasty ugly stuff.

In one of my earlier post I talked about how we went to the state capital here. And our tour guide was explaining about the renovations on the older buildings. He said that they were stripping them to their foundations, because sometimes they get so broken and messed up that they have to be torn down before they can be properly rebuilt. And as soon as he said that I felt God kinda nudge me. I felt like one of those buildings, like God was stripping everything away. Yesterday we went there again and I saw the progress that had been made on those buildings in just 7 weeks. They were torn down and dilapidated before and now they are strong and new. They are a testimony to their builders. Just like those buildings, I want my life to be a testimony to my builder. Everything I do, every relationship I have, everything that comes out of my mouth I want it to witness to the world about the glory of God. Everything about me that is good and selfless comes from him. Left to my own demise I am a weak, angry and selfish person.
But with God on the throne in my life I am something beautiful.

beautiful in Utah,
ken