Thanks...

So I had a great weekend. I have got to do so many exciting things while being here. And I have met some really cool people, from all over the world. I'm sitting here in my room packing to come home. I head out tomorrow morning. Should be a 2 day drive, unless I feel frisky and drive through the night!

I find myself kinda sad that I'm leaving. But still very excited to come home. I cant believe where I have come from. God used this place and the time here to re-shape who I am. Its been a great start. My own personal training ground.

I had a dream last night that I went on a mission trip to Africa and the Lord told me to stay there. I was kinda freaked out when I woke up because I am going on a mission trip to Africa in a couple months. Yikes! But maybe its just a dream. Or maybe God is preparing me for something. I don't know. But I do know whatever he has planned is way better than I could ever dream of! We as people dream so small. Yet we serve a God whose dreams would blow our minds!

I cant thank you all enough for the prayer and support. I may not have a close immediate family like I've always wanted. But the family that I do have is amazing. And the friends that I have been blessed with are unbelievable. Thank you guys so much, I love you dearly. I could not have gotten through this without God giving me constant love and strength. He pushed, prodded, kicked and carried me through this.

I am looking forward to coming home and attacking life. I think I may bug people because I am so happy now! God taught me so many things. Self discipline and confidence. He taught me that life is for living! And serving him.

I have learned that if you don't face and control your fears that they will control and cripple you. I am deathly afraid of spiders. They give me the real heebie jeebies. Last weekend we went to an exotic pet store. And I made myself hold a tarantula. I mean a huge one, it was hairy and disgusting. It was as big as my left hand. I held it and it climbed all over me. I wanted to murder it because I think they are evil. But I faced my fear. I also handled a 13 foot Burmese python. That was a little more intense. But I did it. I refuse to allow fear to control me. In any area of my life. I have always been afraid of heights, not so much anymore after doing a high ropes course and almost falling off a mountain! I got to share the gospel to a couple people here. I stepped out and was obedient. And because I wasn't ruled by fear those people heard that Christ loves them with no agenda. I cant tell you the freedom that is waiting just on the other side of fear.

I was asked to speak to the group tonight, everyone is pretty new and I am a veteran now! It should be good. I'm sure I will get emotional. Its been a crazy journey.

I came here truly broken. Still dealing with my grandma passing a couple years ago. I lost my dad just last year. And then right before new years ended an engagement. One night the first week here God and I had it out. I was so pissed I just let everything out. Why couldn't he let people live longer? Why couldn't he let my relationship work out? I actually accused him of not wanting me to be happy. As I was saying all this to him I knew I didn't believe it. I didn't realize how much anger and hurt from all different things I had stored up. After hours of screaming and crying I was spent. I couldn't hardly move I had exhausted myself so much. And that's when I heard him. So clearly I was scared at first. I was just venting, and now I thought he must be pissed! And as my memories returned to my horrible childhood, the loved ones that have passed and broken relationships that still hurt, I saw how he was there through all of it. I expected him to be mad at me for blaming him, all I got was this overwhelming sense of loss and sadness. And I realized that he was mourning with me, and hurting with me. We sat there for awhile and just cried. Then I started thinking about what I truly know about his character. What his word says about him. How I have seen him in my entire life fighting for me. And it broke my heart. Just that realization that he loves me so much and has given so much and I return that with disobedience and anger. It put me on the ground with shame.

That night was the start of a whole new chapter of mine and Gods relationship. And I can now say that I am more in love with God than I have ever been. I have a hunger to please him and learn about him and spend time with him. And for the first time in my life He is more important that tv or entertainment or myself or anything. And now I know that he has always been waiting on me to want more. I just had to let him deal with some really nasty ugly stuff.

In one of my earlier post I talked about how we went to the state capital here. And our tour guide was explaining about the renovations on the older buildings. He said that they were stripping them to their foundations, because sometimes they get so broken and messed up that they have to be torn down before they can be properly rebuilt. And as soon as he said that I felt God kinda nudge me. I felt like one of those buildings, like God was stripping everything away. Yesterday we went there again and I saw the progress that had been made on those buildings in just 7 weeks. They were torn down and dilapidated before and now they are strong and new. They are a testimony to their builders. Just like those buildings, I want my life to be a testimony to my builder. Everything I do, every relationship I have, everything that comes out of my mouth I want it to witness to the world about the glory of God. Everything about me that is good and selfless comes from him. Left to my own demise I am a weak, angry and selfish person.
But with God on the throne in my life I am something beautiful.

beautiful in Utah,
ken

ah the desert...

This has been a great week so far. I only have six days left here and I'm finding that I have mixed emotions about leaving. This has been the absolute hardest thing I've ever done. We have a lot of new people arriving, and today during lecture time I was asked to speak about my time here and how I am overcoming negative thoughts. Because when you step out, in any area of your life and try and be obedient and do the right thing, negative voices are going to bombard you with lies. But what I'm finding out is that just like training your body, you can also train your mind and your thoughts. Because I hear those negative voices less and less now. Or maybe it just seems that way because they don't have the same power over me like they once did. So I shared about how hard it was the first couple weeks or so just with changing everything in my life. How I ate different, slept different, moved different, was in a different location, doing many things I've never done before. Pushing my body and mind farther than I thought they could go. I'm still amazed at the human body. I've said it before and I'll say it again, God is a genius! The human body when properly taken care of is capable of so much more that we think it is.

Someone from the group asked me why I didn't just choose the weight loss surgery. I had explained how I looked at that option. And all I can say is that yes I know I would have lost weight faster and with less effort. And yes its pretty safe nowadays, and yes my insurance even would have paid for it. But the reason I didn't choose that was because I wanted to earn it. I wanted to sweat, bleed and hurt for it. And I've done all those! I'm not bashing anyone who has chosen that option for themselves. I just heard God tell me that it wasn't for me.

Look, heres the truth about me as a person. I have been a lazy ass most of my life. Sorry for the language but that's the truth. I've sat around for many years and watched other people live. I watched thousands of hours of television and movies and read hundreds of books about other people living and having adventures. And I am absolutely sick of living that way. Its not living at all. I'm not crying about the past, I just know how I'm going to live in the future.

For most of my life I have chosen the easy way on just about everything. From jobs to relationships to being active. I wanted to do this the hard way. I wanted to earn something for a change and be able to look back and know that I did the right thing. And God has revealed so much to me on this journey. If something is easy then it isn't worth having. But the things in life that you will bleed for, that you will sweat and hurt for, those are the things that are worth everything! God is teaching me discipline and self control. And its time to move that into all areas of my life. I have found that I am more productive for Gods kingdom. I have had the opportunity twice to share Gods story with people and I find myself bolder than I have ever been. I cant wait to tell people about this very real God who is just ready and waiting to love them and change their lives. There is nothing in this world or out of this world that is too big for our God! Any type of addiction or problem or sin or guilt is tiny next to his power and love.

So yeah its been hard. I have wanted to quit and go home so many times. I used so much foul language here the first 2 weeks. I had to repent and apologize to my trainers. I have puked more here than I have in my entire life before. My body has ached like I didn't know it could. I've had days when I couldn't hardly get in and out of a chair. The first 3 weeks here I cried myself to sleep every night. But God was with me every step of the way. And I have learned that if I can push through and persevere, then there is something beautiful on the other side that is so worth it!

As I am preparing to come home and jump back into life, I feel so solid and ready. God brought me to the perfect place. He knew what he was doing when he led me here. God brought me to the desert to break me and rebuild me. Its amazing how perfect his plan is. I am so glad that I trusted him. I cant say enough about how much I am in love with God. Not only a living savior but a perfect father.


with blood, sweat and tears in the desert,
ken

aaahhhhh!!!!!

Not much to report this week. I have been sick since yesterday morning. Although I am getting a little better. But it really bugs me cause I cant do anything. No workouts at all, just rest. But the clock is ticking. I only have a couple weeks left here and I need to finish strong. Its really starting to get to me. But I have to keep in mind that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Its not a numbers game like the tv show. This is about being healthier for the rest of my life. So I just need to chill and rest. And then tomorrow hit it hard.

I cant believe that I've been here 7 weeks. It feels like forever. God has totally changed my life. We were watching some video that was shot the first week I was here. It was strange to watch how different I was. I walk different now and hold myself different. I have confidence. I was wheezing and out of breath just walking at a fast pace and now I'm jogging! None of the clothes I came with fit anymore. I still wear some of the t-shirts but they hang off me. My jeans don't fit at all. Could be the 7+ inches I've lost from my waist.

My dad passed away a few months ago. And he left me some money. That is the only way that I was able to come here. I never would have been able to afford it otherwise. He died of heart failure. And I know he would be proud of me for using some of what he left me for this. I also bought a sweet truck ( hey he liked trucks too!).

I almost didn't come here. Fear is a terrible thing to live with. I don't miss it at all. I think freedom is the coolest thing that Christ gives us. It allows us to live like we were meant to. We weren't created to be slaves, yet that is how much of us live. Thank you God for freedom.

In the words of William Wallace...........FREEDOM!!!!!!!

ken

lazy Sunday

Resting is good. Especially when you go non-stop during the week. I appreciate the Sabbath more now that I live an active and physical lifestyle. I enjoy my time with God more too.

I am pretty much just chillin today. Finished my tattoo last night. I cant tell you how much it hurt. Found out that the calf is one of the more sensitive places on the body to get inked. I have wanted this style of tattoo for some time. And the timing seemed perfect. I researched it and designed my own. Its a Polynesian design meaning re-birth or new. I thought it was appropriate considering the changes in my life. Hurt like a beast but it looks cool.

Things are still going good here. Working with a broken wrist, but there are ways around it. Staying strong and giving it all I got. I am on the downhill slope now and I've been tempted to slack off some. But I gotta stay focused and finish strong here.

I am so ready to come home. I miss my friends and church community so much. I am going to Easter Sunday with the Richmond's out here though, so that will be awesome!

Anyway that's about it. Thanks for all the prayers and support. I hope no one has forgotten me back home! See you all in about 3 weeks!

ken

this post will be short. turns out i broke my arm in 2 places riding 4 wheelers at the dunes last Saturday. i have no regrets though, it was amazing! just hard to type with a cast! things are good. very hard, but still good.

I was enjoying some solitude the other night and thinking about transformation. and i realized the reason it is such a difficult journey. God is changing me on many levels but i think first it starts with the heart and from there the mindset. I find myself in this transition where i am now reaching for new things. but that means i have to let go of old things. and that is the difficult part. some of those old things are like parasites that have burrowed under the skin. you have to be proactive in your decision. because you can only cling to or grip so many things at once. you cant cling to old selfish ways and God and his future at the same time. God wont stand for it.

Since about January I have heard God saying to me "what do you want, what will you grip, you need to make up your mind". I love the song lyrics "you wont relent until you have it all". One thing I have learned about God is that he is totally relentless.

So as I loosen my grip on old sinful things I find myself able to grip new things. I cant say enough how good God is. My whole life start to present is the gospel.

All i have to do is remember where i came from and it makes me cry and laugh at the same time. God is filling the holes in my heart. And for that I am eternally grateful. What else can I say? I am the prodigal son who is now an adopted child of God. And if you live life with that realization, then everything else falls into place.

broken and healing in Utah,
ken

ahh the weekend...

Not much to post today. I'm being pretty lazy today but I've earned it. We went to the famous sand dunes all day yesterday and rode 4wheelers. Cant believe how sun burnt and sore I am. Almost got flung off the quad a couple times. Jacked up my wrist, but worth it! Had a blast.

Hitting the pool and the hot tub today, just gonna chill. Gotta get ready for another big week! Weight in is Tuesday morning. I'm sure it will be fine. We have really been killing it lately. I have learned that the scale isn't nearly as important as we think. All I have to do is the right healthy thing and then the scale is a by-product of that. I feel great. I cant believe how much I miss my church. I haven't had a good Sunday sermon/worship time since I have left Cape. Cant find a church here that is anything I need. But God is good.

Hope you all back home are doing great. See you in a few weeks!

ken

still here

Hey all. I know I haven't blogged this week at all. I cant believe how busy I am here. I just now realized that it is Thursday. This week has been rough, but today is better. This is my fifth week here and the trainers have really kicked it up a notch. Yesterday was leg day and I puked twice. We went to a park and ran hills. I mean really steep hills. I made it almost to the top and my legs totally locked up and I couldn't even walk for a few minutes. It was crazy. Today my legs hurts so bad I have almost cried a couple times.

As we approach the weekend things are starting to move a little slower. Tomorrow we only have 3 workouts. And then a movie and a full body massage tomorrow night. You would think that the massage would be relaxing and sometimes it is. But sometimes your muscles are so tight that you are more sore after the massage.

I'm really looking forward to Saturday. There are only 5 of us here for the next few days, so we decided to have some fun this weekend. Saturday we are renting ATVs and going to the famous sand dunes. We are going to ride all day in the desert! It should be awesome. They say the dunes reach for as far as you can see. Hopefully I'm not too tired to ride!

This week has been hard in different ways. In some ways since I have been here 5 weeks now I am kinda used to it and it is easier. But this week for some reason I have been hitting a lot of mental blocks. I have never physically pushed myself this hard before. And there have been many times this week where I thought I might quit and leave. I wanted to so bad. There has been a lot of crying this week. Mainly from me.

But here's the awesome thing. I didn't quit. Not only did I not quit, I have pushed myself beyond my limits. And now that I am coming out on the other side of it, I feel stronger and more confident. I have been asking God for endurance all week, and he has delivered. I am learning to claim the victory and strength that I have in him. He has already set me up for success, all I have to do is trust him and claim it. Praise God!

This has been the craziest, hardest, most suckiest and best thing I have ever done in my entire life. I can feel God building character and discipline in me. And I love him even more for that. I have never been as mentally and physically tired as I am experiencing here.

I got to share what God has done in my life. We were sitting around the table eating dinner last night and somehow religion and spirituality came up. People shared what their beliefs or thoughts were. Its a pretty diverse group here. We got a Mormon, Catholic, Methodist (me), an atheist and an agnostic. It was weird, but I felt that I just needed to listen and not speak. So I kept my mouth shut and listened. The last person to go explained how she was agnostic and couldn't really believe in God because of certain events in her life. She didn't go into great detail, but I sensed some serious hurt and pain from her past. Her views weren't very popular at the table we were sitting at and people started to kinda get on her about not believing in God or at least a god of some kind. She didn't share anymore. And I we sat there eating the rest of dinner I almost broke into tears. In my mind I had this image of God just in agony over his daughter who is lost. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I sensed that God deeply loves this girl and he is not letting her get away. I went to the bathroom after dinner and I was praying. What should I say? What can I say to make a difference? What scripture can I quote that will move her world. And God said just to tell her what he has done for me and let her know that he loves her. I told him when I got the chance that I would tell her. God has a sense of humor, I went and got on the elevator and guess who was on there? Yep, just me and her. I don't even know how I started it but soon I was sharing what God has done in my life. She seemed interested and we continued talking after we got off the elevator. I sensed that God wanted me to open up and be real with her. I shared things with her that I have only shared with a couple of people. I figured she was going to run away thinking I was a freak. I told her that God wanted her to know that he is crazy about her and loves her deeply. She started crying, opening up to me about her problems in life and depression and all kinds of hurt. I asked her if I could pray for her but she was so upset she walked away to her room crying. I had no idea where to go from there. What the crap do I do now? This morning after breakfast she asked me if I would keep her in my prayers. That's it. Nothing more. I have no idea where she is. She didn't share anymore. But I think I honored God by just sharing with her. I realized that it isn't even my story, but Gods story. So I will pray for her and look for opportunities and be prepared if the time comes to talk more.

It was the most natural thing in the world to share with her. It was nuts. I realized you don't have to have the Bible memorized or have graduated from seminary. For the first time while sharing the gospel with someone I didnt have an agenda. I just tried to love her like God does. God just wants his people to talk about him! Its that simple.

with the eye of the tiger,
ken