highs and lows...

Hello to my people out there. Things are going great but tough here. Monday we had an all day snowshoeing adventure. It was amazing. We were at 12000 ft. And you could tell the difference in your breathing. We did part packed trails and not packed trails. Some places it was waist deep and it was a workout just to walk. We did about 9 miles in all. It was awesome. We went through the national park. So quiet there, miles away from anything. Saw all kinds of wildlife and beautiful mountains and cliffs. Yesterday and today my lower body has hurt so bad, that all I can do is laugh. Every muscle is just screaming! But its cool cause I know that I earned that. I have never pushed myself like that before. And I made it through! It was worth it and I cant wait till we go again.

The last couple days have been rough on everyone here. Seems like we all have a couple great days, where your feeling great and just killing the workouts and nothing can stop you. Then a couple days later the pain sets in and you have trouble getting in and out of a chair. I have had cramps in places I didn't know could cramp. Its actually pretty funny. But so worth it.

I can feel my mindset changing. Thinking less about the now and more about the future. And I realize that is what being healthy is all about. Making good decisions now that benefit us long term. And then I got to thinking how that is suppose to be the way we make decisions in every part of our lives. Somethings are great when we want them, cause when we want something, be it food or anything else, we typically want it right now. That is why sometimes it seems like we are a nation of fat, lazy and spoiled people.

God is teaching me that self-control isn't a myth or an unattainable goal. But it is hard to put into action. And its not something that can be learned and then no longer pursued any more. It is an ongoing process of keeping our wants and desires in check.

The last two days I have been mentally exhausted. My trainer says it is normal. I feel like I have hit a wall. I am trying to pray and call on God for strength and endurance. And I am being attacked in my sleep. With really depressing dreams. For the last couple nights I have been dreaming of my grandma who passed away a couple years ago. In the dream I am aware that its not real and it depresses me. And I find myself lonely and struggling as I start my day.

We went to the state capital today. They are doing major renovations on their buildings. And they were explaining to us that some of the older buildings had to be completely broken down to their foundations before they could be properly built back up. I had this weird moment where I though I heard God whisper to me "see? do you get it? I'm tearing you down to rebuild you."

One thing I have learned in the last 4 years of my life is that growth is hard. And not a little hard. But there is a point in real growth that just plain sucks. I am very grateful that God is working on me. But I thought I was coming here to work on physical growth. But I'm finding out that God had a lot more in store for me. I am feeling very raw. Thinking a lot about failed relationships and lost loved ones. Part of it is that I am away from home. But I know also that God is addressing some things as I release my grip on them.

I drove out here to Utah. And on the way here I stopped and visited my mother. I hadn't seen her in years. We are estranged and have been since I was young. I felt like God wanted me to meet with here. So we spent a few hours together. It was very strange, like visiting a stranger. It wasn't dramatic or anything like I was expecting. And afterwards I find myself angry. I'm not sure who I'm mad at. I mean it took a lot for me to just meet with her and put myself out there. I think I had too much expectations about what God was going to do. I need to just let it be what it is going to be and move on I guess.

Anyway I guess that's about it for this week so far. Thanks for all the prayers and letters.

miss you all,
ken